“It is how people respond to stress that determines whether they will profit from misfortune or be miserable.”
- Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
Stress. We all have a certain amount of stress in our lives. When things don’t go to plan we have to adapt to meet these challenges. This is different to extraordinary stress which is overwhelming for the individual and usually results from traumatic events.
Some stress is good. It’s good for motivation. Having an assignment due, a deadline, an exam, etc. helps us to focus and perform well. But when we stress too much, our performance diminishes and this can increase our stress response. So if things start to go badly, stress can make it worse.
One of the most confusing things about stress is that what is stressful for one person may be invigorating for another. Take roller coasters for example, they are fun for some, but terrify others. Unlike roller coasters, most ordinary stress is not something we can choose or avoid. So, if you can’t avoid it, the best response is to manage it. Here are a few strategies for dealing with stress:
1. Put it in perspective. Is it really as bad as it seems? On a scale of 1 to 10, is it really an 8 or a 3? Will you be affected by this over time? Is it going to matter in a week, a month or a year? Try to get some perspective and then treat the event accordingly.
2. Talk stress down, not up. When something bad happens, we tend to talk ourselves into a fury. If you find yourself feeling more and more stressed, take a deep breath and let it go. Say “this too shall pass.” Remember stressing is unlikely to solve the problem. We think better when we are in control.
3. Acknowledge the feelings. “I feel really hurt” or “I feel really angry” can really help us to understand ourselves. There’s nothing wrong with having feelings. Naming feelings gives us better control of our actions. Rather than just reacting, naming how we feel, we can put a moment of choice between the event and our reaction.
4. Try to understand what others might be feeling or thinking. They say “walk a mile in someone’s shoes.” This is great because then you’re a mile away and you have their shoes! But seriously, if someone has hurt your feelings, that’s the hardest time to try to understand what they are going through. Most people have a reason for doing what they do. Of course, some are not good reasons. Sometimes people are hurtful because they are having a bad day or have a headache or are just plain selfish. Even so, understanding this can put some perspective on a stressful event. Maybe someone was rude to you because they are rude to everyone and it’s not personal. That can lessen the stress, even though what they did is still not right.
5. Wait. Feelings don’t last forever. If you wait 10 minutes and then think about the stressful event, you are more likely to feel less strongly about it. Then you can put it in perspective better. And if you wait, you’re less likely to have made matters worse by saying or doing things in the heat of the moment that you might regret later.
6. Look for something good in the situation. Every cloud has a silver lining. Maybe what you’re going through will make you a stronger person. Maybe this is an experience you can draw on to help someone else one day. Maybe this happened so that something worse didn’t.
7. Be grateful. This sounds counter-intuitive, but it can be really helpful to count our blessings in times of stress. We tend to see the cup as half-empty, rather than half-full, but the reality is that we have a lot of good things in our lives. Think of these and smile.
8. Use stress as motivation. If you get a shock when the doctor says you need to lower your cholesterol, then maybe this is the inspiration you need to join the gym and change your diet for the better. Try to see it as an opportunity rather than a stress.
